Are You There, God? It's Me, John Murphy, and I'm Hopeless
by dietcocacola101
Summary: After his rape by Ontari, John Murphy feels alone and turns to an unlikely source for help - God.


Two figures lay in Heda's bed in the dead of night, furs covering most of their nakedness. One is Ontari, the hardened fake Commander sound asleep and snoring loudly. The other is John Murphy, awake.

He fingers the collar around his neck, wishing for the third time since they finished that Ontari had taken it off before she fell asleep. He will find no sleep that night, he knows. The restraint on his neck will make his already violent recurring dream of his own hanging even more terrifying. So, he lies there, awake.

Ontari was not pleased when she discovered this time was his first – and it wasn't hard to figure out. He had been clumsy and every impatient tug at his chain only made his panic grow. She forced him to perform twice more after that to 'make up for' enduring his shoddy lovemaking.

John thinks about all this with Ontari curled next to him, still intimidating in sleep. The chain attached to his collar is tangled in Ontari's limbs so, in a way, they are still entwined together. Every once in a while, she will turn in slumber and an arm or leg will rest on him. It takes all his willpower not to throw her off.

He finds himself wishing, not for the first time, that he could go back in time and change how things turned out. Except this time is the only one where he wishes _he_ had done things differently. Most of his misfortune was brought on by others, namely Jaha, but now he believes he has brought this suffering upon himself. He flirted with Ontari a little and it had seemed so harmless at the time. He knew she was interested and thought it wouldn't hurt to keep her happy for a while.

How long will he have to keep Ontari happy for?

Lying awake in the dark, next to her, John feels more alone than he ever has before. He will not admit this to Ontari, or himself even, but he is afraid. She scares him now.

He was not lying to Titus when he said he had no faith. He does not believe in God. But, when all hope is lost, will it hurt to give prayer a shot?

He doesn't even know where to start. _Dear God_ sounds too formal. He and the Big Guy haven't exactly been on speaking terms. He decides to ditch the introduction and dive right into the actual praying. He remembers his mother always began by thanking Him for the blessings in her life. Once upon a time he was on her list, along with his father. Then her list disappeared, along with her faith and any compassion for her son.

 _Thank you for –_ he halts. What can he thank God for? He has nothing. The only thing John can think of to be thankful for is Emori, but that isn't in a thank-you-for-this-gift-Lord way. It's more of an everything-and-everyone-I-love-has-been-ripped-away-so-you'd-better-let-me-have-this way.

He feels so disconnected from Emori. Where is she? What if she isn't searching for him? Even worse, what if she is and she finds him here and doesn't understand? His stomach churns. He decides to stop thinking about Emori.

 _Thank you for nothing, bastard,_ he thinks, bitterly.

John skips the thanking part, too. He isn't doing great, he knows, but he keeps going. He needs someone to hear him. He goes right to the part where he asks for help he probably doesn't deserve.

 _God, if you're listening, I'd appreciate a chance to escape and soon. I gotta get outta here. The only thing keeping me alive is Ontari and she's dangerous and –_ John stops and trembles. He convinces himself it is a shiver, despite the lack of a breeze. _I'm trapped here. Clarke left me. I don't know how long I can stay alive before I start not wanting to –_

John stops again and curses out loud, angry at his own vulnerability. Ontari stirs beside him and he freezes. He isn't ready to face her yet. He would give anything for her to continue to sleep. Luckily for him, she does.

Luck is all it is, he knows. God isn't doing him any favors. If He is real, He certainly doesn't give a shit about John Murphy. Praying was stupid. Desperate.

Hopelessness gnaws away at him. He can only see two options for his future: displease Ontari and be killed gruesomely or continue having to please her, again and again and again. He isn't sure which is worse.

John does know this, though. When she wakes, he will smile and say something funny and give no indication that anything is wrong. This, he knows how to do.


End file.
